In the winter I became ill for several weeks and had a very bad cold with fever etc. Of course that was very uncomfortable, but it got me to interrupt my sports program. By now I was so far that I found myself and my body reasonably valuable and was brave enough to say, “You stupid illness, leave me alone! My body needs rest! “
Also, the food became easier at this time, because I was sure that it would be better for my body to give him what he needed. As bad as this time was, with illness and, of course, remorse, it was also a groundbreaking event.
I was too far away from the disease, too strong and convinced that I did not have to follow the rules of the disease anymore, because the rules were useless and no longer conviencing for me, that even after my recovery there was no way back. I did not want to go back there, never again , I wanted to get well ! It was only when the symptoms of anorexia were slowly fought that I gradually gained a clear view of what really was my problem.
I was not aware that I am a valuable person. I was not aware that I too had earned good without first doing excellent or special services. My self-confidence was not very pronounced or virtually superficial. As soon as someone attacked me personally, it collapsed like a house of cards. I was always unsure about everything and doubted myself, my skills, my abilities, my achievements and my entire self. I did not dare to say that there was something good about myself.I had the feeling that was conceited and in any case untrue. I did not dare to trust in my opinion. Anyway, my opinion did not interest anyone and if I would say so, everybody would laugh at me or not share my opinion. Then they would not like me. I had no idea who I am, that I am a great, lovable person.
When I understood that, I made huge progress. I still had to work a lot on myself and you always said to me, at some point you will feel your inner security. I wanted that so much but did not feel it at the time. Of course I have often doubted and thought: “Yes, with each other, the internal security will come at some point, but of course not with me.”
But the more I dealt with my problems, the more they disappeared and, very slowly, I actually became more secure. I started trying things out, for example really going away for the weekend, going alone somewhere where I did not know anybody or just to say my opinion and be strong with it. Of course, at the beginning I was still very worried and worried, but now through the therapy I knew how to approach my problems and hurdles and how to take my own fear away. The more I confronted myself and noticed that nothing bad happened, but I actually had fun, was happier and more myself, the easier it was for me. I became more courageous and began to enjoy trying things out.
I began to write down my successes and read through it again and again. They were no such big deals like the passing of a final exam, but things that were huge for me before and have now lost more and more importance and have become “self-evident”, such as: “Today I ate a chocolate biscuit out of line” or “Today I confidently told my colleague my opinion on topic XY”. I slowly began to feel that I had already achieved a lot and I could admit that I was proud of myself and satisfied. I realized that the more I dealt with myself, that I am not the bad, stupid, unwelcome, mean and dreadful person that the disease has always told me.